The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.
The man that does not fear punishment, little regards crime.
I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it’s just a bunch of gay guys.
My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don’t know. Probably died.
All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.
This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.
The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.
Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.
The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise.
Envy, like a false mirror, distorts the symmetry of the sweetest form.
There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.
After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she’s gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.
There’s no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They’re the most decadent people.
Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he’s happy to continue to do what he’s been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.