Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.