You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we’d have a rainbow above it.
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
I’m from such an old family, it’s been condemned.
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.