The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?
Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
Religion is such a medieval idea. Don’t get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can’t buy any of it.
The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.
It’s an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.