My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn’t mean I’ve been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.
I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.
A terrible thing happened to me last night again – nothing.
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn’t do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can’t see it, touch it, only feel it. It’s called LOVE.
Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.