I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, “You must develop some mechanical skills – like getting out of bed.”
When he proposed he said, “We’ll make such beautiful music together,” but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.
Once Fang took pep pills and they worked – the only time he ever ran to bed.
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don’t give a damn.
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
I still take the pill. I don’t want any more grandchildren.
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.