I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.
I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.
Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
It’s a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.
My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven’t been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.
My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
If it weren’t for my adam’s apple, I’d have no shape at all.
I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you’ll ever have!
My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.
If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.
All mothers are working mothers.
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: “I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch.”
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they’re early, so naturally you’re not ready.
Do I believe in Witchcraft? I’m the result of it.