Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don’t particularly like.
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn’t have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.
I’m the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, ‘I’ll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,’ never ends in a hug and a kiss.
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That’s why I still take the pill; I don’t want any more grandchildren.
Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
I’d love to slit my mother-in-law’s corsets and watch her spread to death.
Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream – I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn’t afford one.
Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.
Isn’t my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I’m wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.
Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.
When I go to bed at night, I’ve got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.