I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
I never made ‘Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in ‘What’s That?’
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
I don’t like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.
I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run.