I’ve never done anything for the common consensus. I do things to please me. If you are happy with something yourself, you become bulletproof.
I always chose all my friends on whether they were funny. What’s a better way to pass the time than laughing or smiling?
If you’re surrounded by idiots, you’re the unpopular one and the odd one out because idiots don’t like smart asses.
Body language is more powerful than words.
I didn’t have toys and bikes; I’d go out and pick up rocks. I was into science and nature. It was my first love. I was going to be a vet and a marine biologist. I went to university and studied biology for two weeks and I just thought: “I’ve been conned!”
It’s quite easy to make a load of people laugh, it’s often a reflex action, but I think to make them cry is harder without manipulating them.
I never think of myself as a celebrity – or even an actor, actually. I think of myself as a writer-director.
Hotel bars are pretty good. No one bothers me there. Restaurants are safe. People are quite respectful when you’re eating. But what I never do now is go to a busy bar on the weekend, or after 8 o’clock at night. That’s the danger zone. Also being trapped. Never go on the Metro, or a bus.
Whatever else is happening, things are better in the sun.
Growing up, the two things that made my blood boil were religious intolerance and animal cruelty. I’ve never understood it. I can’t stand to have an animal in pain.
I think the job of a comedian is to make people laugh, but also challenge them to laugh at things they didn’t know they could until now.
Life is just a series of peaks and troughs. And you don’t know whether you’re in a trough until you’re climbing out, or on a peak until you’re coming down. And that’s it you know, you never know what’s round the corner. But it’s all good. “If you want the rainbow, you’ve gotta put up with the rain.” Do you know which “philosopher” said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she’s just a big pair of tits.
Beliefs do not change facts. Facts, if one is rational, should change beliefs.
Never confuse your right to say what you believe with a right to never be disagreed with and ridiculed for saying what you believe.
Remember, if you don’t sin, then Jesus died for nothing.
If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
You could easily spot any Religion of Peace. Its extremist members would be extremely peaceful.
Your critics want you to be as unhappy, unfulfilled and unimportant as they are. Let your happiness eat them up from inside.
Relax. No one else knows what they’re doing either.
You can’t censor stupidity.