Realists know where they’re going. Dreamers have already been there.
When we laugh we temporarily give ourselves over to the person who makes us laugh.
They’re combining that new fertility drug with a birth control pill for people who don’t want triplets.
The true test of humility is whether you can say grace before eating crow.
Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
They say kids today don’t know the value of a dollar. They certainly do know the value of a dollar. That’s why they ask for five.
I love to watch those old movies on late-night television, particularly when a couple get up from a champagne dinner in a posh restaurant and the hero hands the waiter $3. But the best part is when he says, “Keep the change.”
I value people with a conscience. It’s like a beeper from God.
I feel that if God had really wanted us to have enough oil, he would never have given us a Department of Energy.
Lincoln was known to have walked miles to borrow books, to get the most rudimentary form of education. So what do we do on his birthday? We close the schools!
Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I’m down to mine and it hasn’t.
For Father’s Day, my kids always give me a bottle of cologne called English Leather. It’s appropriate! To them I always smell like a wallet.
Sports like baseball, basketball, and hockey develop muscles. That’s why Americans have the strongest eyes in the world.
A toast to the weapons of war, may they rust in peace.
The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.
What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds.
I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it ‘arm around the shoulder’ humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It’s mean, mean stuff.
THe world now has so many problems that if Moses had come down from Mount Sinai today, the two tablets he’d carry would be aspirin.
I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it – after all, they’ve already given us tasteless bread.