I take my children everywhere. Unfortunately, they find a way home.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.
I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
If at first you don’t succeed-try, try again. Don’t think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.
To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
We have enough people who tell it like it is – now we could use a few who tell it like it can be.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they’d bust it to Corporal!
Here’s to all volunteers, those dedicated people who believe in all work and no pay.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world.
Live your life so that if someone says ‘Be yourself’ it’s good advice.
A compliment is verbal sunshine.
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she’s as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.
If you can laugh together, you can work together.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.
Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.
Never raise your hand to your children – it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our lungs there’d be no place to put it all.