Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator.
Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people.
The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.
Don’t smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We’re all on the road to the grave – but there’s no need to be in the passing lane.
I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year’s Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
Did you hear about the woman who sent out 40,000 Valentine Cards doused in perfume and signed, “Guess Who?” She’s a divorce lawyer.
What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
Wait’ll next year! is the favorite cry of baseball fans, football fans, hockey fans, and gardeners.
We’re supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally, I’ve never met a family adviser. They’re all off somewhere listening to dirty stories.
New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn’t for muggings there wouldn’t be any contact at all!
Did you ever see that painting the Mona Lisa. It always reminds me of a reporter listening to a politician.
The secret of writing comedy is to know where it’s all going, then get ahead of it.
Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it’s a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it’s a pen that scratches.
Sociologists say that going to the movies is a bonding experience. It probably has to do with the way you feet stick to the floor.
Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.
It’s amazing how important your job is when you want the day off – and how unimportant it is when you want a raise.
These detective series on TV always end at precisely the right moment-after the criminal is arrested and before the court turns him loose.
Vacation: When you spend thousands of dollars to see what rain looks like in different parts of the world.