This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she’s on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That’s the sky. If you’re still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
You don’t want to just do a joke because it works – we can make a lot of jokes work – you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.
Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn’t that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.
I can’t be gay! I’m a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.
If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.
I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.
Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don’t think about it.
Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you’re old.
You don’t need the right facts if you have the right inflection.
The only thing that keeps us going back to one another is that we’re all filled with such enormous self-doubt. We have doubts about our ability to be alone, to self-actualize.
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.
The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it – Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.
Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.
Republicans and nerds have so much in common – they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.