Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there is no room for interpretation; you either take all of it or none. There is no selective belief.
A press that has validity is a press that has authority. And as soon as there’s any authority to what the press says, you question the authority of the government – it’s like the existence of another authority.
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness – just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
If Jesus doesn’t have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered ‘obsessively Googling symptoms’ is a symptom of hypochondria.
If it’s called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Make no mistake – they’re coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.
Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
In God’s eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
Hey yogurt, if you’re so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?
God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he’s never on welfare in a mysterious way.
There’s nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.
For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.
Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he’s a high school junior.
My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
It’s official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.
I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I’m confused. Also hungry.
Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt.