It’s official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.
I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I’m confused. Also hungry.
Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt.
Once I’m performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.
Why would we go to war on women? They don’t have any oil.
America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.
If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.
Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.
There’s nothing more I love than McDonald’s dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.
Cynics always say no. Saying yes leads to knowledge. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.
Thankfully, dreams can change. If we’d all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.
And though I am a committed Christian, I believe everyone has the right to their own religion – be you Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim, I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
I hope people’ll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.
America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?
Last night was Super Tuesday – a 10-state GOP Primary orgy. A big, sweaty pile of lever-yankin Republican voters. And like most orgies, it involves a bunch of middle aged guys who are not appealing to women.
Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?
I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.
If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.