My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.
I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.
We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.
To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.
Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
Who’s Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that’s my right as an American.
If you’re injecting fear into other people, then you’re trying to kill their minds. You’re trying to get them to stop thinking.
Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.
If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.
My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.
I don’t get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.
I’m not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.
I have no interest in behaving or thinking cynically. But it’s an easy trap to be cynical about anything, certainly when you’re talking about politics or the media.
No one has any idea what’s going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That’s why he’s building those rockets. He wants a ‘Plan B’ on another world.
We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.
Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It’s a devious con that can only be described as insurance.
I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don’t, that’s funny to me. That’s why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you’re talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it’s known to Native Americans – Sarcastic You’re Welcomesgiving.
You seem cynical because you’re always talking about that selfish behavior that’s dressed up as altruism. It doesn’t mean there isn’t altruism. It just means that it’s harder to make jokes about altruism.
I’m impervious to logic.