There is no food closer to my heart than cheese. In fact, according to my doctor, it has nearly filled my aorta.
I’m a junkie for exhaustion, and I’m a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them.
Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.
If you use big words, no one will know you aren’t doing jack squat.
Now you’ll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.
I used to play a narcissistic conservative pundit. Now I’m just a narcissist.
Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.
I’m not going to name any names, but let’s just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I’m just dry Trumping.
You can’t swallow and think about your tongue. If you think about your tongue, you’ve got a giant piece of meat in your mouth and that’s a terrible feeling.
If God wanted us to accept gays, he’d have made us compassionate.
Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news.
There must be a God, because I don’t know how things work.
Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella.
I don’t want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they’re covered in a crunchy candy shell.
Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney’s tax plan doesn’t add up.
I’ve said it before: equations are the devil’s sentences. The worst one is that quadratic equation, an infernal salad of numbers, letters, and symbols.
I know that the pope’s infallible, but that doesn’t mean he can’t make mistakes.
John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.
John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody’s compensating for his small government.
If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.