I know that the pope’s infallible, but that doesn’t mean he can’t make mistakes.
John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.
John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody’s compensating for his small government.
If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.
Global warming isn’t real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of ‘Ooh, please pay attention to us.’
Researchers from Britain’s Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry. That’s why I never apologize to my mirror.
You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
Now I don’t know why he’s denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.
Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that’s going to make me seem kind of gay.
Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos.
Take it from me, there’s nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.
When I read books it’s to escape. It’s so I don’t have to talk to people.
If someone spreads hate then they’re not your religious leader.
Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly cynics.
NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won’t date them either.
Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstandin g.
It’s no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack – in that they will devastate black communities.
Don’t cry over spilled milk – get angry and punch a cow.