I’m not a truthiness fanatic, I’m truthiness’s father.
I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.
Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?!
As a rule, Germans shouldn’t do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu.
We don’t have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it’ll come flowing toward us like a river.
I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.
Take the platypus – that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.
When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don’t want to ride around with a quitter.
Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you’ll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.
Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?
If I’m doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can’t control the context, I’m loath to do the character.
It’s a game. That’s why we call it ‘the news.’ It’s just a game.
I don’t accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don’t understand.
Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!
I’m fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.
Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal.
Warning: I may contain more than a trace amount of nut.
You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you’ve always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know – fiction.