If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
Arby’s: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.
And of course I don’t go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I’m carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it’s a family name; I’m not changing it.
It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
We’re not talking about truth, we’re talking about something that seems like truth – the truth we want to exist.
Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can’t eat me. I’m a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there’s less bones to pick out.
I’m more American than apple pie. I’m like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It’s just a really bad omelette.
I love the truth. It’s the facts I’m not a fan of.
I’m getting angry at liberals.
Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
Ignorance is bliss-Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it’s the sole reason they exist.
You have a firm grasp of the obvious.
I’ve long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.
I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.
Baby carrots are making me gay.