It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can’t eat me. I’m a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there’s less bones to pick out.
I’m more American than apple pie. I’m like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.
You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It’s just a really bad omelette.
I love the truth. It’s the facts I’m not a fan of.
I’m getting angry at liberals.
Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?
Ignorance is bliss-Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.
If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it’s the sole reason they exist.
You have a firm grasp of the obvious.
I’ve long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.
Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.
While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.
I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.
Baby carrots are making me gay.
I am no fan of books.
Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.
The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.
I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory.