I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible – I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical.
Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything. It’s certainty.
Foreign newspapers: if they’ve got nothing to hide, how come they don’t print them in English?
I’m disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn’t even have a religion if it wasn’t for capital punishment.
Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.
No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.
Some say, ‘Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.’ I say, ‘Those who ignore history are in for a big surprise.’
There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait – no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
I won’t be doing the new show in character, so we’ll all get to find out how much of him was me. I’m looking forward to it.
And we didn’t have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn’t show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.
Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.
Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.
Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.
Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.
I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
On this show, your voice will be heard – in the form of my voice.
I don’t like books, they’re all fact, no heart.
You have to have a passionate opinion; otherwise you sound false. You end up telling the audience jokes they’ve already heard.
If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail.