Don’t be bitter. Everybody suffers. If you can accept your suffering then you will understand other people better. Be grateful for pain. Love life.
In America, we know to ignore artists if they’re serious in any way.
I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.
There’s a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.
You can change the world. Please don’t do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.
I’ll make fun of anybody. We’re all about falling down and going boom on camera.
Speak from the balls, not from the diaphram.
If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?
It’s the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.
You see, we’re America the Beautiful, not “America Well At Least She Has A Great Personality”.
The skinnification of America’s jeanscape has gone too far.
Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway.
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
I don’t like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.
Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.
If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.
Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America-we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.
I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.
New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.