Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit to stupidity.
I love making observations. That one is a classic example.
A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.
I’m off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.
Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.
If we don’t cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?
The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.
Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character.
That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.
This is America. I don’t want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.
My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I’ll ask him when it’s gonna start working again.
It’s August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.
Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.
I love the earth. If you ask me it’s the greatest planet in the world.
Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I’m post-tweeting today. I’ll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.
Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America – less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.
Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.