Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it’s not happening. So I’m ignoring Twitter’s 140-character limit, so it’s not happ.
Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too.
I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120 years ago. The languages, a year of rhetoric, all of the great books, Western Man courses, stuff like that.
I’m a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.
The greatest threat facing American today – next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress – is the national news media.
I’m an actor. I hate to blow everyone’s illusions.
I’m not here to affect you politically or socially. I’m here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.
I’ve been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I’m executive producer, I’m a writer and the host.
Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.
Everything in nature has found a niche, a perfect harmony of balance. Man need to find his niche, his perfect balance, where he fits in the natural cycle.
I believed in global warming after Al Gore’s movie made money; the market had spoken.
Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California’s Canada, Oregon.
We claim no respectability. There’s no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don’t have to defend anything.
Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don’t need to care about science, literature or peace.
Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping – and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!
It warps the minds of our children and weakens the resolve of our allies.
The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable.
I love being onstage.
I deliver my Truth hot and hard.