Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that’s almost never the case. I’m just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.
The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun.
I’m just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.
The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.
Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.
Opinions are like demo tapes. I don’t want to hear yours.
I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?
Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time – of anything. If you’re laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
I hadn’t intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.
Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.
And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don’t. There’s a big difference. Check your lawyer.
Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!
Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison.
There’s nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.
They said you can’t go to the moon. They said you can’t put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.
Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven’t seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I’m not going to.
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.