Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.
It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.
Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch.
People like to say, “You’re only as old as you feel,” but it isn’t true. It’s just something old people say to make themselves feel good about their age. You’re as old as you are.
By the time they’re ready to be thrown away, most shoes are thoroughly comfortable.
It’s ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game – except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that’s important.
Art is a by-product of an honest and successful attempt to do something well.
I like animals who trust people.
We aren’t consistent in our treatment of animals.
In the futile attempts we all make to tidy up our lives and our surroundings, nothing is more difficult than throwing out a book.
Soap, like people, shouldn’t smell like anything.
American closets are filled with once-worn clothes that got a bad review from a friend on their first appearance.
Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.
Phyllis Schlafly speaks for all American women who oppose equal rights for themselves.
Don’t take a butcher’s advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he’d be a chef.
My advice is not to wait to be struck by an idea. If you’re a writer, you sit down and damn well decide to have an idea. That’s the way to get an idea.
Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated.
We’re all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of lonliness. We need each other and we need to get away from each other. We need proximity and distance, conversation and silence. We almost always get more of each than we want at any one time.
I’d like to be rich enough so I could throw soap away after the letters are worn off.