The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.
I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn’t realize they thought. And they say, ‘Hey, yeah!’ And they like that.
The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.
Women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
In a conversation, keep in mind that you’re more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is.
When there are starving people in the world, it seems wrong that so many of us Americans eat as much for entertainment as for nourishment.
I dislike loud-mouthed patriots who think they like our country more than I do. Some people’s idea of patriotism is hating other countries.
Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
We should change our attitude toward the United Nations. There has to be some power in the world superior to our own. We should not have attacked Iraq without the okay of the United Nations. Now we have to live with that mistake. We’re living with it, and too many of our guys are dying with it.
Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.
We’ve sent a man to the moon and that’s 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week but for some reason nobody’s ever done it.
Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.
I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.
I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I’m always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.
Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?
Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.
I know a lot of you believe that most people in the news business are liberal. Let me tell you, I know a lot of them, and they were almost evenly divided this time. Half of them liked Senator Kerry; the other half hated President Bush.
You’re almost always better off keeping your mouth shut, but don’t let that stop you from popping off.
You’re better off missing a bus or an airplane once in a while than you are getting there too early all the time.