I never get over feeling bad about tearing open a beautifully wrapped present. It takes ten seconds to destroy a work of art that took someone ten minutes to accomplish.
It’s not so much that I write well, I just don’t write badly very often and that passes for good on television.
Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they’ll be okay if they’re left alone.
Love is more pleasant once you get out of your twenties. It doesn’t hurt all the time.
If you put on an item of clothing that hurts just because you have an idea it looks better or conforms to what other people are wearing, it’s dumb.
A cat’s idea of a ‘good time’ is to kill something.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.
I’m already suspicious of anyone who thinks he or she is smart enough to be president. You’d have to have some ego to believe that about yourself.
No one ever writes a book in which he is the bad guy.
Civilization means conforming to a standard of behavior that may not seem natural to us.
We can all be prouder to be human beings, because that’s what they were. They make up for a lot of liars, cheats, and terrorists among us.
One of the things we can be sure of over the July 4th weekend is that news reports will keep telling us how many of us are going to die in automobile accidents.
The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.
I don’t know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you’ve taken a pill out?
Dogs are nicer than people.
I did not believe in the war. I thought it was wrong to go into any war. And I got to the war, and saw the Germans, and I changed my mind. I decided we were right going into World War II.
I am interested in details. If you go into anything far enough, you get into the details of it, and people turn out to be interested in what makes things work.
Don’t keep saying, “I don’t know where the time goes.” It goes the same place it’s always gone and no one has ever known where that is.
Creativity is a by-product of hard work. If I never have another really new idea, it won’t matter.
It isn’t working that’s so hard, it’s getting ready to work.