I’m totally confused about what I’m going to do with my life.
Good comedy helps people know they’re not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.
Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don’t want any gay people hanging around me while I’m killing kids. I just don’t want to see it.
Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.
We’ll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God – I am killing me!
Isn’t that weird, we’ve made nature against the law. That’s how un-natural we’ve become.
To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake.
If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.
The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, isn’t it? Beleive or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.
The role of the comedian is to say ‘Wait a minute’ when a consensus starts to form.
My voice was not heard, the questions were not asked that I wanted to see asked.
Been on what I call my Flying Saucer Tour – appearing in small Southern towns – in front of handfuls of hillbillies.
Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here’s my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride...
People always snap and think they’re Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they’re Buddha?
Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that’s why you giggle the first hour.
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally on our planet, serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying that God made a mistake.
You’re not a human till you’re in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.
You all saw him – he had a gun.
Truly, the only stupid people I’ve ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television.
I am available for children’s parties, by the way...