Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?
Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.
It’s my object to be stared at like a dog that’s just been shown a card trick.
We are one with God and He loves us. Now if that isn’t a hazard to this country-How’re we gonna keep building nuclear weapons?
Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?
Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.
Sometimes you feel in control, and it’s great, but sometimes you just don’t feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.
I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.
I can’t believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you.
How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs.
I’m totally confused about what I’m going to do with my life.
Good comedy helps people know they’re not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.
Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don’t want any gay people hanging around me while I’m killing kids. I just don’t want to see it.
Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.
We’ll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God – I am killing me!
Isn’t that weird, we’ve made nature against the law. That’s how un-natural we’ve become.
To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake.
If I thought the Jews killed God, I’d worship the Jews.
The whole image is that eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God’s infinite love. That’s the message we’re brought up with, isn’t it? Beleive or die! Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.
The role of the comedian is to say ‘Wait a minute’ when a consensus starts to form.