I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that’s how it comes out.
I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul.
The best kind of comedy to me is when you make people laugh at things they’ve never laughed at, and also take a light into the darkened corners of people’s minds, exposing them to the light.
I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, “My dad can beat up your dad.” I’d say Yeah? When?
Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god’s infinite love.
Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you.
I don’t like anything in the mainstream and they don’t like me.
Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to.
Nonsmokers – this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight.
Yesterday, some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftesbury.
Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded.
The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions.
Let’s do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who’ve seen me before might know that.
It’s really weird how your life changes. Tonight I’m drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?
I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all.
I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I’m fascinated by it. I’m fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it.
I’m an American who loves an America which doesn’t exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas.
Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can’t find your fags.
I’m just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth.