Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it’s on the outside of your ass?
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
When you’re eating something and someone asks ‘Is that nice?’ No it’s really revolting – I always eat stuff I hate.
I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?