When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you’ll have the time of your life!
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn’t try it on.
Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
Never trust anybody with only one book.
Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.
There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.