When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you’ll have the time of your life!
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn’t try it on.
Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.
I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
Never trust anybody with only one book.
Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.