Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It’s over!
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
I’m one of the school of people who don’t do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I’ve done, I’ve never done any research.
Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
Now the country is in a terrible state and you’ve blamed it on a number of things – unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It’s actually because the national anthem is boring.
On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father’s younger than him and we don’t give him the controls for the television.
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was “How are you getting on?”
Don’t die until you’re dead.
When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don’t sit in the dark hiding. It’s easy to hide and shout and waste people’s time.
I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.