Now the country is in a terrible state and you’ve blamed it on a number of things – unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It’s actually because the national anthem is boring.
As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was “How are you getting on?”
Don’t die until you’re dead.
When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don’t sit in the dark hiding. It’s easy to hide and shout and waste people’s time.
I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience. There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
I don’t aim to offend.
I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.