Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.
I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in – and I never went.
I like to call everyone that I find slightly annoying a ‘sociopath.’
I just try to do things on stage that I think the audience would enjoy. And I try to draw on and add to acts that I’ve enjoyed watching.
I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don’t have a great ear. It’s like a tragedy – I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.
I don’t consciously try to make things difficult as much as I try to make them a little different. I like all kinds of laughs. I tried to make a show that elicit groans, guffaws, chuckles, boos.
I think controversy has this allusion of being controversial but it’s totally not, which is why I’m trying to get away from it because it’s just easy and automatic.
It’s not most important to communicate myself on stage as it is to be as funny or interesting as I possibly can on stage. I feel more like I’m doing a play whose main character just happens to share my name.
No one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you.
And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.
The strength of comedy is I don’t have to answer to anybody but sometimes you want to learn from other people and see your ideas strengthen by other people.
The classic comedian says there’s nothing that’s taboo; if you laugh at one thing you’ve got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.
The strange thing with Wikipedia is that the first article that ever gets written about you will define your Wikipedia page forever.
People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.
In comedy, falling means laughter. You can take something sacred and make it silly. The more sacred it is, the funnier it is. It has a bigger drop to fall.
Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don’t.
My first concern is that when you go to a show, you should be present. It’s much more exciting to put the camera down and lose yourself in it.
Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.
I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.
If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there’s a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural.