What’s important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn’t need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers – the world needs more you. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?
Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.
Where are all the sour patch parents?
If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn’t respect that.
At once I feel that comedy is this amazing sort of transcendent thing, and I’m also open to the fact that maybe it’s just an evolutionary hiccup, something that upright apes do in their free time.
Women are like fingers and toes because they’re easy to count on.
I’m bored way too easily. I’m staring at screens half the day. I need to be overstimulated. And how will that express itself artistically?
Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.
I’m happy with what I’m doing. I try not to focus on how I’ve changed. I just try to focus on what I’m doing now.
If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your life you were being laughed at.
When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.
Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop’s another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you’re talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It’s like a painter painting a panting of himself painting a painting.
Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it’s really fun to do and Oprah’s on it.
Was Einstein’s theory good? Relatively.
I got a safe full of cherries ’cause I pop it and lock it.
Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.
I think the love-hate is fundamental. Everyone hates reality television, and everyone’s watching it. Everyone hates Facebook, and everyone is on it.
I don’t like calling myself a “feminist” only because I don’t think I’ve done anything active enough to call myself one. It’d be like calling myself a civil rights activist just because I’m not racist.
My work is trying to at least define myself on my own terms, and then if other people enjoy things that’s a lovely addition.