I love you just the way you are but you don’t see you like I do. You shouldn’t try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.
Quotes are for dumb people who can’t think of something intelligent to say on their own.
My persona on stage was always coming from a place of I know better than you and I’m going to be a little bit pretentious in your face with these sort of crass ideas.
If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?
If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say no.
What’s important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn’t need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers – the world needs more you. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?
Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.
Where are all the sour patch parents?
If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn’t respect that.
At once I feel that comedy is this amazing sort of transcendent thing, and I’m also open to the fact that maybe it’s just an evolutionary hiccup, something that upright apes do in their free time.
Women are like fingers and toes because they’re easy to count on.
I’m bored way too easily. I’m staring at screens half the day. I need to be overstimulated. And how will that express itself artistically?
Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.
I’m happy with what I’m doing. I try not to focus on how I’ve changed. I just try to focus on what I’m doing now.