No reason to join a fight until you know what side you’re on.
Very Important: During this sensitive postpartum time, you must be very careful not to say anything negative about your wife’s appearance. On the other hand, you must not say anything positive about your wife’s appearance, because she’ll know you’re lying. And whatever you do, do NOT give her the impression that you’re deliberately avoiding talking about her appearance. This might be a good time to enlist in the navy.
Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
They looked plainly scared, except for one, a wiry boy with bright orange hair – not the largest of the lot, but the one who seemed to be in charge. He had an air about him, Alf thought, the look of a boy who doesn’t miss much.
She had large, wide-set green eyes, and long brown hair that curled slightly and turned to gold at the tips. She wore a long, straight blue dress that accentuated the slimness of her frame. She was perhaps an inch taller than Peter, and by the look of her she took baths.
You can put suspenders on a salamander, but it still won’t make waffles. See what I mean? That sentence makes absolutely no sense, but I got paid to write it. It’s printed right here in a published book!
Oh, I’m not saying that alcohol is perfect. It has caused its share of problems. Russia is only one example.
By the 1800s, animal sacrifice had been largely discredited as a medical procedure; today it is rarely used outside of Miami.
Now I know what you’re saying. You’re saying: ‘Dave, you have painted a distorted and inaccurate picture of the American health-care system. Not all patients wind up being as wretched as Mary! Many of them wind up being dead’.
33 percent agreeing with the statement that the world is controlled by a giant invisible telepathic clam named Ronaldo.
Head Smashed In, may I help you?
Some years ago I proposed a new tourism-promotion slogan for Miami. I even had a bumper sticker made. It said: ‘Come back to Miami! We Weren’t Shooting at YOU’.
Most travel experts recommend that even if your final destination is Miami, it’s better to fly to an airport in some other city – if necessary, Seattle – and take a cab from there. Or, as Savvy Air Traveler magazine suggests, ‘simply jump out of the plane while it’s still over the Atlantic’.
And you definitely shouldn’t attempt to drive yourself in Miami, because odds are you’d make some foolish tourist mistake such as stop for a red light, which means you’d be rear-ended by a vehicle going upwards of eighty miles per hour driven by a motorist with no insurance but a minimum of two firearms.
The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a Japanese family.
I live in Miami, which can be a dangerous place, with a segment of the population capable of horrific acts of violence. And those are the police. The criminals are even worse.
Q. How is the turn signal used in Florida? A. It is used to indicate to other motorists that you do not realize your turn signal is blinking.
Eating in Germany is easy, because there is basically only one kind of food, called the “wurst.
They sport haircuts that were apparently administered by a blind heroin addict in the men’s room of a Bulgarian disco in 1978.
Simply by eliminating description, the screenwriter can work his way through the entire plot in a single morning, leaving the afternoon free for screenwriter leisure activities such as drugs.