If you’re choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, ‘Heimlich maneuver,’ and all will be well. Trouble is, it’s difficult to say ‘Heimlich maneuver’ when you’re choking to death.
I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.
Cake and tea or death?
Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!
If you get too well-known, you can never be a comedian’s comedian, it just won’t sit well. But I’m fine with that. I’m fine with that label.
I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.
They tend to come out a colour called ‘Pants left in wash’
I don’t believe in God. So I’m a non-believer in the non-visible. I’m a believer in us; in humans.
But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana.
When I watched Braveheart I was in tears and I was rooting for the Scottish people.
That’s no good, I can’t steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That’s not gonna swing, is it?
Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. OK, we can swing with that. But performance ‘debilitating’ drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the 100 metres, fair play for you. That’s pretty good. Unless someone’s dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.
If you get too well-known in comedy, I do believe it blocks people from taking you in drama.
No matter how much makeup I wore, people just kept saying “Yes, sir! Would you like tea with that, sir?” “Yes, I would like tea. Why don’t you put it on my breasts?” “Certainly. Tea for this man’s breasts! Anything else, sir?”
There’s not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that’s a bit slapdash, isn’t it?
Comedy is like a very cokey, druggy sugar. You get hits of comedy, and it’s very, “More, give me more of that stuff,” because serotonin is being released in the brain. So it’s basically, everyone becomes serotonin junkies, and we are serotonin dealers. And that’s what being a comedian is about.
Little red cookbook! Little red cookbook!
I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight.
I’m working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It’ll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible.
Learning that you have stamina is an excellent thing to know. If a project fails, I know I can pick myself up.