I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don’t care if it’s called marriage. I don’t care if it’s called, you know, domestic partnership. I don’t care what it’s called.
There would be nothing to get me to run for president. I don’t even understand how anyone would want that job at all. Although I would be able to play golf which I don’t seem to have time now.
I’ve moved about 10 times over the past 15 years. I don’t move for the sole purpose of getting rid of stuff. I’m not crazy. I also move so that I never have to wash any windows.
I do like men and I had, you know, a guy in high school that I wanted to marry desperately. He’s the mayor of some small town in Texas. I could be the mayor’s wife right now.
Yeah I’m thirty-six, but on the show I’m thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.
While I was doing stand-up, I thought I knew for sure that success meant getting everyone to like me. So I became whoever I thought people wanted me to be. I’d say yes when I wanted to say no, and I even wore a few dresses.
The first time probably people really were aware of me, I unfortunately had the title of Showtime’s Funniest Person in America. And that’s a really tough title to travel around with when you’re not even known.
When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.
I don’t know who had the bright idea of teaching pneumonia how to walk, but I’d like to find that dunderhead before he decides he wants to teach it how to drive.
Penguins mate for life. Which doesn’t really surprise me, because they all look exactly alike. It’s not like they’re gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday.
Don’t you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. “Oh, I’m sorry I’m late, traffic.” “Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?”
I cannot imagine not going home to animals. They are the closest thing to God; they don’t harbor resentment. I wanted to be a vet when I grew up.
Gratitude is looking on the brighter side of the life, even if it means hurting your eyes.
Honestly, I would eat cardboard rather than go back to eating animals.
You’re gonna be ok, dum de dum dum dum, just dance.
Why can’t rappers just say nice things? Like I wanna take your clothes off and hang them up in the closet real nice.
Answers to Frequently Asked Questions: Yes. Yes. No. One time in high school. Three times in my twenties. Rocks no salt. Yes. Four. Never. And how dare you! I will take no further questions.
It’s funny how cucumber water can taste so much better than pickle juice, even though they come from the same source.
Beauty isn’t between a size zero and a size eight, it is not a number at all. It is not physical.
If there weren’t blacks, Jews and gays, there would no Oscars. Or anyone named Oscar, if you think about that.