Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.
Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people’s children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
I’ve never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying “Open!” was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.
Myths that need clarification: “Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach.” False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend – and he’s a priest.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
God created man, but I could do better.
Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.
When the history of guilt is written, parents who refuse their children money will be right up there in the Top Ten.
Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact.
Kids need love the most when they’re acting most unlovable.
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
I’m so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.
The bad times I can handle. It’s the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going going to drop?