One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
She’s as funny as a toothache.
The woman who says, ‘My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us’ is a psychopathic liar.
My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, ‘There’s nothing to eat!’
The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.
Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don’t necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking. I’d be even more thrilled if what was shrinking affected my dress size, but you can’t have everything.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip.
Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted.
Sometimes I can’t figure designers out. It’s as if they flunked human anatomy.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You’re not out of it until the computer says you’re out of it.
Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people’s children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
I’ve never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage door and saying “Open!” was never a big deal, but holding that television tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the Iacocca in me.
Myths that need clarification: “Everyone in California lives on a white, sandy beach.” False. The only people who live on California beaches are vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend – and he’s a priest.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.