I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.
Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
Laugh now, cry later.
When you’re an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others.
I’ve always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby...
You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I’ll show you an orphan.
One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
She’s as funny as a toothache.
The woman who says, ‘My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us’ is a psychopathic liar.
My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, ‘There’s nothing to eat!’
The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.
Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don’t necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking. I’d be even more thrilled if what was shrinking affected my dress size, but you can’t have everything.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It’s gossip.
Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.