God plays a lot of jokes on us to get our attention.
In Lake Wobegon, we don’t forget mistakes.
Where I come from, when a Catholic marries a Lutheran it is considered the first step on the road to Minneapolis.
Bad things don’t happen to writers; it’s all material.
Childhood is the small town everyone came from.
In California virtually everyone has had their teeth whitened. If they all smiled at once, they would give us a headache.
It’s better to be burnished with use than rusty with principle.
You can go your whole life and not need math or physics for a minute, but the ability to tell a joke is always handy.
If the marriage needs help, the answer almost always is have more fun. Drop your list of grievances and go ride a roller coaster.
When you’re a little kid, your heart is open and tender and a harsh word can go straight in and become part of your life.
Being rich and thin isn’t everything.
Ralph Stanley is like an uncle to us and now that all my uncles are gone, Ralph’s singing is even more precious. This album of classic folk songs is one of his best.
Second violins can play a concerto perfectly if they’re in their own home and nobody’s there.
Every show is your last show. That’s my philosophy.
Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards and we will go to great lengths to prove it.
Most men are prisoners at best, Who some strong habit every drag about Like chain and ball.
If you can’t trust a Methodist with absolute power to arrest people and not have to say why, then whom can you trust?
God is a great humorist. He just has a slow audience to work with.
Roy Blount’s stuff makes me laugh so hard, sometimes I have to go sit in a room and shut the door.
I’m of an age when if I started to do eulogies, I’d be doing nothing else. You don’t want to be remembered? I don’t want them to be told to remember me.