We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
Anything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.
Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns.
Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.
To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.
Patience is the art of finding something else to do.
I can’t understand why you don’t get any mail from me. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been writing.
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
If the garbage man calls, tell him we don’t want any.
Two women at a resort discussed dinner: “The food here is lousy,” the first noted. “You’re right! And such small portions!!” the second added.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.