Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Time wounds all heels.
I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.