From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.
I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn’t have a tape measure.
The only real laughter comes from despair.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.
Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That’s the price she has to pay.