Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn’t educate America if they started at 6:30.
I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn’t have a tape measure.
The only real laughter comes from despair.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‘Yes,’ you know he is a crook.
Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don’t anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you’re always trying for a topper you aren’t really listening. It ruins communication.
When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That’s the price she has to pay.
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.
Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I’ve got a nickel in my pocket.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?