Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don’t anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you’re always trying for a topper you aren’t really listening. It ruins communication.
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.
Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I’ve got a nickel in my pocket.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!
Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don’t mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.
It’s hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
It isn’t so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.
If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.
I’ve been looking for a girl like you – not you, but a girl like you.