No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.
Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns.
Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.
To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.
Patience is the art of finding something else to do.
I can’t understand why you don’t get any mail from me. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t been writing.
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
If the garbage man calls, tell him we don’t want any.
Two women at a resort discussed dinner: “The food here is lousy,” the first noted. “You’re right! And such small portions!!” the second added.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
This isn’t a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Do they allow tipping on the boat? – Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? – Oh, yes, sir. Then you won’t need the ten cents I was going to give you.
TV is the rat race of the century.
I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed. Somebody once said it’s what you dont see you’re interested in, and this is true.