We should make politicians dress like race car drivers – when they get money, make them wear the company logos on their suit.
Republicans are always criticizing President Obama for using the teleprompter. Is that a big deal? After eight years of George Bush, I’m glad we have a president that can read.
Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.
A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they’re now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month.
The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started.
Hundreds of barefoot Filipinos marched on the roads through the Philippines carrying heavy wooden crosses and whipping their backs until they bled to prepare for Easter. Call me old-fashioned but I just like coloring the eggs.
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items – like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.
Some members of Congress now are complaining they are underpaid. They want to propose a pay raise. You can’t blame them. A lot of them took a big income hit when Enron folded.
Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast.
An intruder broke into Mike Tyson’s hotel room in Las Vegas while he was sleeping but got out before Tyson could get to him. I don’t know what’s scarier. Having someone breaking into your room while you’re sleeping or breaking into someone else’s room and finding out the guy is Mike Tyson.
A New York doctor has finished a five year study on what smells have the biggest effect on New Yorkers. The smell New Yorkers like the most: vanilla. The smell New Yorkers like the least: New Jersey.
John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He’s going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her – at her bank.
John Kerry described his Republican critics as ‘the most crooked, lying group I’ve ever seen.’ Now, that’s saying something, because Kerry’s both a lawyer and a politician.
On Capitol Hill, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales raised his right hand, swore to tell the truth, and then everybody had a good laugh and went back to what they were doing.
The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why – with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.
Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward.
Former Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling appeared before Congress. Do you think they even bothered swearing him in? Now he is denying he lied to Congress last week. He’s saying it was just the liquor talking.
At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.
This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she’ll get his money, he’ll be dead in a week.