According to CNN, Donald Rumsfeld said the war in Iraq did not go according to plan. And President Bush said, ‘What? We had a plan?’
The Iraqis sat down for talks on how to put together a post-war government. They would have sat down yesterday, but somebody stole all their couches.
For the first time the people of Iraq are united. Today on CNN I saw a Kurd, a Shiite and a member of the Republican Guard coming together to cart off a big screen TV.
I don’t know why people are surprised the French don’t want to help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France.
There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country.
Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.
Now see, a lot of critics are saying Arnold can’t get elected because he’s just an ambitious guy with a famous name, who doesn’t know anything about running the government. Didn’t hurt George Bush.
Even Arnold’s adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he’d have an Academy Award by now.
Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he is going to run for governor on our program last night. My staff didn’t know, Arnold’s staff didn’t know, I was shocked as everyone else. If he doesn’t get elected governor, maybe he should work for the CIA. I mean, he can keep a secret better than they can.
If Arnold is elected, you know who I’d feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you’re about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it’s your reprieve, and you hear ‘Hasta la vista, baby.’
Schwarzenegger said last night on the show he expects his opponents to throw all kinds of dirt at him. And you know, it’s started already. Today, they released the one thing that could really hurt Arnold. Turns out he once starred in a movie with Tom Arnold.
The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor. You know what would be better? Arnold should do what he does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn’t have the problem.
There’s all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, you know where he is now? Visiting Mexico, which I think means that he is definitely going to run for governor. Arnold is smart. He’s in Mexico campaigning with the very people who’ll be living here by election time.
They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it’s not the bun?
In his first speech as Speaker, Boehner thanked his loved ones – tobacco lobbyists, the oil companies, the CEOs.
Last night, we had the first gubernatorial debate. Some people are criticizing Schwarzenegger for not going. They say Arnold goes around telling people he cares, everything is going to be great, forget about everything he did in the ’70s. Hey, it worked for George Bush.
So, it’s pretty crazy. Look, we’re bailing out Wall Street, we’re bailing out banks, we’re bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there’s a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?
President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.
Bush is smart. I don’t think that Bush will ever be impeached, ’cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn’t you believe him?
We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we’re the only place that has lower numbers than he does.