When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad’s theory was, ‘Let him pull it over his head a few times, he’ll learn.’
Little girls love dolls. They just don’t love dolls clothes.
Please don’t get me wrong here. I’m not making fun of old people. In fact I think that’s the goal of everybody here tonite. We all want to be an old person someday.
People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I’m very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.
Between New York and LA, there’s 200 million people that aren’t hip, and they don’t want to be hip.
What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.
When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead.
I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I’ve got four more summers with her. I’m not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.
Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.
There’s no down time any more.
I know if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don’t want to give two or three more hours away.
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother – you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.
Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?
I actually had a chance to be in Delta Farce, but I couldn’t do it because I read the script.
Little girls love dolls. They just don’t love doll clothes. We’ve got four thousand dolls and ain’t one of them got a stitch of clothes on.
We’re a heart attack away from losing the right to bear arms.
I’ve been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.