If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don’t have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren’t! Especially if they’ve got hair on them!
If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren’t juicy.
You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.
I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don’t ever get into this really thinking you’re gonna make it.
I think for one thing, kids are a lot smarter now then we ever were.
I’m two decisions away from putting up drywall for a living. I am, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but whatever I got, it’s through the grace of God, and I’ve got to use it right.
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.
If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.
Hell, when I was in high school, a drive-by shooting meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!
If you’ve ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you’re either gay, or married.
Some people like to keep their grass cut really short, so they can see the intruders coming. Keep those kill zones open. I say let the grass grow tall so they don’t know there’s a house behind it. Some call it lazy, I say it’s thinking.
Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.
I’ve got keys to crap I’ve never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.
All these years I’ve sat in airports and kind of drawn people and put like Far Side captions on them.
As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don’t have the benefit of visual things.
I don’t necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I’m a comedian and I have a Southern accent.
I talked to Larry the Cable Guy the other day. Larry’s made more money than 10 people should ever make in a lifetime. He was excited because he’d gone over to the livestock auction and bought 20 new feeder pigs.
You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
You might be a redneck if you’ve ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister’s honor.
You might be a redneck if motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.